Marnellicious

Moving

2010-09-28T21:03:00.000-04:00

Not me, thank God, just my blog. And actually just the food portion, since that's been taking up most of the blog space.

The new food-obsessed area is: kensingtonkitchen.wordpress.com.

Word.

Hard rock banjo, hummus on the side

2010-09-09T16:02:00.000-04:00

Last night I experienced my first mosh pit. From just outside it, though. Close enough that I got shoved around a bit when folks got a bit more, um, enthusiastic, but at a safe enough distance that I was changed with a friend's breakables/valuables while he partook (is that a word?) of the festivities.

Did I mention this was country concert?

We trekked all the way to the other side of Brooklyn (the dark side, some say) to see Hank Williams, III, and I, frankly, wasn't sure what to expect. Wasn't he in a punk band or something once? Do hipster kids go to these concerts? How many people in Brooklyn actually listen to country music, anyway?

The answers are: Yes. Yes. and Lots.

Seems like Hank III's country-music-heir-rebelling-against-the-pop-country-scene schtick resonates with a lot of people. The crowd was this kaleidoscopic mix of mohawks, cowboy hats and hipster glasses, all wrapped up in lumberjack flannel. To my left was the mosh pit hoedown, to my right a couple of Asian kids in skinny jeans were two-stepping.

Maybe this is what heaven is like.

Or maybe heaven is more like the pita stuffed with White Bean and Basil Dip (see below), cucumbers and tomatoes that I had for lunch.
_________________

White Bean and Basil Dip
(adapted from Cheap Healthy Good)

1/2 lb. dried Great Northern beans, cooked
1 T. minced garlic
1 t. sea salt
1/4 c. olive oil
1/4 c. white wine vinegar
1/2 c. basil leaves, loosely packed

Puree everything in the blender/food processor. Devour.

Experiment: Moroccan Style Chicken

2010-08-23T14:55:00.007-04:00

Been a while since I posted anything food related (well, posted anything much, really). The packing-moving-looking for a job trifecta just sucked August into a black hole of activity. Now, things are coming together (I have a job, we're 2/3 moved into the new place and are hauling the furniture over tomorrow) and I finally have a chance to report on a particularly successful culinary experiment from earlier in the month.

Those lovely yogurt cupcakes were a hit at the Pineapple Pub Crawl last month. I, sadly, was unable to participate in the pub crawl thanks to a Monday morning exam for the psychology class I'm taking "for fun" (aka to keep my student loans in deferment until I got a full time job). Instead I just showed up and stuffed my face with BBQ, macaroni salad and home brew for about an hour.

Anyways.

Being gone for the weekend meant that there were no grocery shopping over the weekend. Which meant that refrigerator inventory was down to two-week old homemade salsa, half a glass of milk and some rotten parsley. Well, not really. But close.

In short, Monday night after the crawl was a pantry night. Which was fine, since my old roommates left a crap ton of frozen chicken and pantry items in our old apartment that I (of course) snatched up.

So, I played my favorite game - how to get rid of food that has been sitting in the fridge/freezer/pantry waaay too long. Thanks to my favorite blogs and a little creativity I was able to whip this up.

Supplies and Procedure

Moroccan Style Chicken
Adapted from Ellie Matthew's award-winning recipe via Cheap Healthy Good.

Rice
1 cup uncooked rice
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 cinnamon stick
2 black cardamom pods

Chicken
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 cup sunflower seeds
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 small onion, diced
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into 4 pieces each
1 cup cooked chickpeas
2 cups salsa, hot
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup Moreno cherries, drained
1 tablespoon honey
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
2 cinnamon sticks
3 cardamom pods
Plain, unsweetened yogurt

1. Heat cinnamon stick and cardamom in oil. When hot, add rice. Cook about 2 minutes. Cook according to regular stove or rice cooker from here.

2. In a large pan or skillet, heat olive oil. When hot add seeds and toast until golden brown. Set seeds aside.

3. Add onions to the pan and cook until soft. Add garlic and chicken to pan and brown both sides of the chicken. Onions will start too brown, too, which is okay. Add cinnamon sticks and cardamom. Cook for about 1 minute.

4. Add salsa, chickpeas, remaining spices, honey, cherries, water and chickpeas to pan. Stir to combine. Cover and cook 20 to 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add water if the mixture gets too dry.

5. Serve chicken over rice. Top with sauce and a dollop of yogurt. Sprinkle with toasted seeds.

Results

Success! A sweet and spicy concoction that made me forget that I was just trying to use up leftovers! The boyfriend volunteered his approval of the dish about five bites in without any prompting.

Moving. Again. And Job!

2010-08-19T15:28:00.001-04:00

I think this is my 9th move since graduating college in 2005. I'm praying that this will be the last one for a few years.

We're moving from the center of Brooklyn's "Little Pakistan" to it's northwestern edge. Not a particularly trendy part of the borough (although home to some lovely hajibs and saris), but affordable and homey. We like it a lot.

The boyfriend and I have split the packing/moving responsibilities pretty evenly - I pack/unpack and he moves the boxes down one flight of stairs, over a few blocks and up two more flights of stairs. Since he's been off for the summer, he's been able to bring boxes over a few at a time. Now we're approximately a third moved and a friend of a friend (and his van) will help us with the rest next week. Oh, moving in New York City.

Also! Job! I just started an administrative position with a women's rights non-profit. This will be a second part time position for me. Add my two jobs together and you almost get grown-up style full time employment! Almost.

Lastly...

Will someone please convince me not to take Biochemistry this fall? Please?

My Soul Mate

2010-07-23T11:30:00.004-04:00

If it's possible to be in love with a cake recipe, I think I found my soul mate this morning.

Alright, back to the beginning.

I've been thinking about pineapple upside down cupcakes since last fall. They were going to be a birthday gift for someone until organic chemistry and molecular biology lab got in the way. I think that person got a beer instead. In any case, the idea was lost in the sands of time...

More recently, though, there was need of a host gift. A dear friend has moved into a apartment that likes to host parties. Nothing sophisticated, mind you. More like frat parties for those with full time salaries. One of these parties is the so-called Pineapple Pub Crawl. Since our friend is hosting us for the weekend, the boyfriend and I, of course, want to bring a offering. Given the theme and my boyfriend's memory for baked goods he wants me to try making, it was only natural that these cupcakes would re-emerge.

After some interwebs investigation, I settled on a traditional topping on a tangy yogurt cake. I highly recommend the yogurt cake. It's like the love child of a rich coffee cake and fluffy buttermilk pancakes. I want to have my own little love babies with this yogurt cake. (Was that inappropriate?) *Ahem* By that I mean: I'm pretty sure this cake is going to go into heavy rotation in my kitchen (well, as heavy as rotation can get when I bake sweets about once every other month). In any case, I'm keeping this recipe forever. It's going in the recipe file right by my sister's favorite meatballs, Mom's pancit and Dema's Irish Stew.

A couple other notes about the recipe. The blogger-adapted version that I started with called for Greek-style yogurt like Fage. I used homemade whole-milk yogurt, made from a normal plain unsweetened yogurt starter and strained. I'm pretty sure that any nice tangy yogurt would do. I also reduced the sugar in both the syrup and cake. One thing that I should have reduced was the butter. The amount of butter in this recipe is ludicrous. Next time, I'll try stepping the butter back to 1 1/2 sticks.

The photo does not do these babies justice.

Pineapple Upside-Down Cupcakes
makes 36 cupcakes

Topping
(loosely taken from Epicurean and About.com)
2/3 c brown sugar, packed
1 c butter, melted
1 frozen package or can pineapple tidbits (thawed and/or drained)
36 morello cherries, drained

Cake
(adapted from Big City Little Kitchen, who adapted it from Gourmet's "Golden Cake")
3 1/2 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 sticks (16 tb) unsalted butter, softened
1 1/2 cups sugar
4 large eggs, room temperature
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 cups plain, unsweetened yogurt

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees

2. Prepare cupcake pans.

Mix brown sugar and butter in a small bowl and distribute evenly between the 36 cupcake spaces (~1 tbsp per cupcake). Press a cherry in the middle of each space, with pineapple arranged decoratively around it. Put aside.

2. Prepare the cake batter.

Whisk together dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt). Set aside. Cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, then vanilla. Beat in half of the flour mixture, then the yogurt. Lastly, beat in second half of the flour mixture. Note: the yogurt will begin to react with the baking powder and soda. This will result in some bubbles, which is completely normal.

3. Add batter to cupcake pan. Fill each space to about 2/3 capacity.

4. Bake for 20-25 minutes at 350 degrees. Done when golden brown and toothpick comes out clean.

5. Let cool in pan for 5 minutes. Then run a knife along the edges to release from pan. Invert on to a plate or cooling rack and cool completely.

My new favorite sandwich

2010-06-10T13:25:00.001-04:00

So. Moving this weekend. Staying in Brooklyn, but giving up the G train for a much more reliable train line: the Q. It's a less, well, hip part of town, but being a bit of a homebody giving up bars and restaurants for cheap fruit and veggie stands and more trees along the road doesn't sound so bad.

One major goal of the past month or so has been to use up the stores in my pantry, because moving boxes of food kinda sucks. Which means I've been munching on lots of rice, beans, canned tuna and peanut butter, buying only veggies, eggs and a loaf or two of bread to supplement.

In this time I've discovered a new favorite sandwich.

Peanut butter and zucchini on rye.

The peanut butter is unsweetened and natural; only ingredients listed are peanuts and salt. The zucchini is raw and sliced a medium thickness. The bread is a strong rye with black caraway seeds.

Try it and let me know what you think :)

It Needs to End

2010-06-08T16:26:00.003-04:00

"It" being school, but, alas, there's lab for another 3.5 weeks.

I was all prepped and ready to spend a long day at work studying and answering phones today. The morning was actually filled with *work* (an odd thing when the doctor's out and there are no patients) - lots of appointments to make, lots of insurance coverage to verify. After lunch, when thing finally calmed down enough to break out the textbook...there was no text book to be found. I left it at home. Ugh. I'm so burned out I can't even remember to bring my textbook with me to a study session.

Perhaps it has to do with looking for a new (or at least 2nd) job while taking my last course. Or perhaps it's more to do with knowing that I still have to pack half of my belongings before this weekend's moving extravaganza. Or maybe it's the pressure to be finished with this school so that I'm no longer dependent on my ex's tuition benefit.

Or maybe it's just a stressful time in my life thanks to all of those wonderful things converging on a single month.

3.5 weeks and counting until I'm done with one of them.

New Mexican Style Black Beans

2010-06-07T10:41:00.029-04:00

I've been day dreaming about Santa Fe lately - the smell of green chiles roasting in the late summer, the crazy blue sky, the sun and heat without the humidity. Internet time has turned to looking for excuses to visit and obsessively researching vacation rentals and air fares. Sadly, there will be no visits to the southwest in the forseeable future.

As usual, I console myself with food.

Finding good, cheap Mexican food here is hard enough, but New Mexican? Ha. There's a great, cheap little tortilleria in in Bushwick, but a 45min train is rarely worth it even for fresh tortillas. Miraculously, there's a New Mexican place, Los Dos Molinas, in the city, but $9.50 for a tamale and side of rice and beans just isn't happening for me right now.

And right now, I'm really looking for a black bean fix.

After living in New Mexico for 6 years, the black beans with everything habit is pretty hard to kick. When I started on my black beans habit I only used canned beans. As a novice cook, leaving something on the stove for 5 hours that needed occasional stirring seemed like a ridiculous time investment. Then I got a slow-cooker and the rest is history. Sort of.

Unfortunately, my slow-cooker died about 5 months ago and until yesterday I entirely avoided making beans on the stove. Canned wasn't a particularly acceptable option either; it's hard to go back to canned beans once I got used to making them myself (texture and flavor are much improved, and the salt content spares your blood pressure).

Oh, how deprived I've been.

I finally gave in and made them on the stove yesterday, completely ignoring the city heat and my lack of air conditioning. And it was worth it.

Black beans and lime rice with a fried egg appeared at nearly every meal over the weekend. Obsession? Not quite, but close.

Stove Top New Mexican Black Beans
serves 4-6

1/2 lb dried black beans
4-5 cups water or stock
1 medium onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 (or more) dried hot chile peppers, crushed
1 teaspoon cumin seeds
1 teasspoon oregano
1/4 cup olive oil

1. Saute onion, garlic and spices in 2 tablespoons of the olive oil until onion is soft and spices fragrant.
2. Add water/stock and beans
3. Bring to boil and let boil 2-3 minutes.
4. Reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer 3-4 hours.

Serve with pretty much anything.

Note: These beans freeze very well, so a double batch is great for putting some aside for another meal.

Slow Cooker Baked Beans

2010-06-04T11:10:00.000-04:00

Essentially, this is becoming my recipe archive. Which is just fine by me; this should reduce the instances of "so, what did I put in it last time?". I love to tinker with recipes, but I rarely manage to write down what I did. I hope to start recording the tinkering I do here. Who knows? Perhaps others will benefit as well.

Last weekend, my boyfriend and his roommate (and me, I guess, since I spend all my time at their place) held a small Memorial Day get together inspired by the Simpler Times beer sold at Trader Joe's. The idea was to make the whole gathering a kind of nostalgic pre-war Americana extravaganza - old-timey music, back-yard grilling and classic Americana foods (no hummus or Asian noodle salad or pomagranate lemonade).

My boyfriend's contribution was his magnificent beer butt chicken (he makes one every couple of weeks, so he has the recipe perfected), and sun tea with lemon. My solo contribution was peach blackberry cobbler (aka "what's on sale" cobbler). Our combined efforts, though, produced some pretty awesome baked beans which we served over rice.

Essentially, we used my boyfriend's barbeque sauce recipe and cooked some beans in it. We also made it a bit complicated by grilling the onions (we needed to make the beans vegetarian for a couple of the guests, but still wanted some of the smokey flavor that bacon would have provided) and roasting the jalapenos on the stove (he was making hot sauce anyway, so it wasn't extra effort for us). The fresh tomatoes were a pain in the butt because we forgot to peel them. The boyfriend also felt the need to boil them down to about 2/3 their original volume. In the future I'll probably just used canned tomatoes and fresh or canned jalapenos.

Also, we had to tone down the spice factor for guests. In the future I plan to just go nuts with the hot peppers to get a really nice spicy/sweet contrast.

Slow-cooker baked beans
serves 8-10

1 lb white beans, pre-soaked
1 28oz can of diced tomatoes (or ~10 very ripe tomatoes, boiled and reduced to a good thickness)
1 medium onion, diced
1 clove garlic, minced
2 jalapenos, roasted and peeled (a small can would probably do, as well)
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 cup black strap molassas
1/2 cup honey
salt and pepper to taste

1. Combine all ingredient in slow-cooker. Cook on low for 8-12 hours. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Enjoy!

Thursday Afternoon In

2010-06-03T14:49:00.001-04:00

Yeah. Need to give up the coffee again.

Pancit with Tuna and Peas

2010-06-02T21:15:00.001-04:00

So, after experiment #3 of summer organic chemistry lab this afternoon, I found myself a might peckish with no snacks on hand. For many, this posing little problem - just run to the pizza place on the corner or maybe the noodle place. Mmmmm... noodles. That sounded good. Really really good.

But I, of course, am too broke for that.

Somehow, I managed to get my butt on the subway without stepping foot in the noodle shop. By then, however, the craving had taken on a life of its own. Noodle visions began to dance in my head and I kept thinking about how tasty it would be to give in. Thick lo mein noodles with shrimp and bok choy. Or maybe chow fun with chicken and cabbage...

I dozed as best I could during my one hour, 3 train line commute home, and tried not to think about the Filipino/Thai/Asian fusion restaurant waiting for me when I got off the train. The menu caught my eye on the walk home, and I was only able to tear myself away when I remembered that I had pancit noodles still at home.

Suddenly my mind had a project to work on for the remainder of the walk. My pantry is starting to look a little bare and my portion of the freezer is nearly empty, so the key was finding ingredients to put with the noodles. This is exactly the kind of challenge that my slightly masochistic analytically creative mind loves (this and organic chemistry lab). By the time I got home, turned on all the fans and opened up the windows to let the stuffy air out of the apartment the recipe had come to me, loosely based on a dish my aunt picked up from a Thai friend.

The fruit of my labors? A noodle dish that's kind of like tuna hotdish, but asian. A new comfort food that combines some of my favorite Filipino and Minnesotan foods from my childhood. Like when my mom makes bratwurst fried rice.

I swear - neither are as weird as I make them sound.

Pancit with Tuna and Peas
serves 2

1 can of tuna in oil (keeps more moisture, but tuna in water should be okay, too)
1 cup frozen peas
2 sections mung bean thread* noodles
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 small onion, sliced
1 clove garlic, coursely chopped or 1 teaspoon pre-miced garlic (if you're lazy like me)
1 small red chile pepper
soy sauce
salt and pepper to taste

1. Bring about 3 cups of water to a boil.
2. Saute onion until soft and browned on some edges. Add garlic near the end.
3. Microwave peas for 45sec with a bit of water in the bottom of the bowl.
4. Add tuna with oil, no need to drain, and peas. Saute.
5. When water begins to boil, turn off the water and add noodles. Let noodles sit until soft.
6. Add soft noodles to tuna mixture. Toss with tuna mixture. Season with soy sauce, salt and pepper to taste.

*Also known as cellophane noodles or Chinese vermicelli. Found at most asian grocery stores, or, if you live in Brooklyn, random C-towns, for much less than the Amazon.com price.

Results:

2010-05-21T10:14:00.000-04:00

Knitting is a better way to pass the time than surfing the internet.

Not only do I have something to show for my time, I was actually able to listen to my favorite radio shows and my head didn't have that fuzzy, zombie-like feeling at the end of the night.

I'm about halfway through my little scarf (I'd be done if I hadn't decided halfway through that it was too wide, resulting in scrapping and starting over at about 9:30 last night). I should be done by the end of the weekend, which is just in time for school to start again.

Knitting and other attempts to be human again

2010-05-20T19:01:00.000-04:00

I've found myself here before.

This is the short interlude between semesters where I can't quite figure out what to do with myself when I'm not in class. This is where I often resort to hours of mindless internet surfing (not to be confused with the hours of mindless internet surfing used as a procrastination technique when there is studying to do). I find myself longing for the sense of purpose, or at least defined goals that being in school gives me.

It's like a security blanket.

Or crack.

Yes, crack. Something that feels good at first (I'm going to learn so many new things! Look at all the shiny new textbooks!) then makes you absolutely miserable. Despite how much more miserable you are after each semester, you need to go back for more of that initial "high." This is my relationship with school, in any case. Perhaps it's not true for all.

Someday I hope to break the vicious cycle and become a whole human again. A whole human being capable of creative acts, whose brain hasn't been burned to ashes by memorizing laundry lists of proteobacteria and categories of myccorhizal fungi.

Tonight I attempt to practice being such a creature by picking up that knitting project I started in January and abandoned a week later when classes began for the spring semester. The plan is to listen to episodes of RadioLab and This American Life while knitting up my little scarf.

Wish me luck.

Egg Noodle Soup

2010-05-20T16:49:00.001-04:00

Everyone has their food vice. Their "poison." Their comfort food. It's usually something sweet or fatty or both and oftentimes something that brings the person back to a happy time in their life, like childhood. This is why foods like chocolate, macaroni and cheese and cookies often make it on to comfort food lists.

My comfort food certainly meets the aforementioned qualifications, even if most people associate it with impoverished college students rather than cherub-cheeked kindergarteners. It's salty, starchy and fatty, and despite the additions I've made to it over the years (namely, the veggies and hot sauce), remains one of the least nutritious dishes I could possibly make myself for dinner.

It's ramen soup with an egg. Affectionately known as "egg noodle soup" in my house.

When I was a kid, egg noodle soup was on par with grilled cheese for lunch. I'd have my great-grandma make it for me and she'd let me eat it in the living room while I watched sesame street (now that I think about it, a 4yr old in the living room with soup sounds like a bad idea..).

These days, this is what I make when I come home at 9pm after a loooong day of school and work and just want something warm and salty, which is more often that I'd like to admit. I don't make it when my boyfriend is around because he makes such a fuss about it being bad for me - it's just a little something I endulge in when I'm feeling down.

Now for the recipe (if it can even be called that):

"Egg Noodle Soup"
serves 2 (or 1 person who skipped lunch)

2 cups water
1 package ramen (chicken or beef flavor)
1/3 cup frozen mixed vegetables
splash of soy sauce
1 egg
Sriracha hot sauce (optional)

1. Place water, frozen veggies, soy sauce and "flavor" packet from ramen in a sauce pot. Bring to a boil - about 5 minutes.
2. Break ramen into fourths and drop into boiling water. Let boil 3-4 minutes.
3. When the noodles are mostly cooked, turn off the heat and crack the egg directly into the soup. Break the yoke and stir into soup for about 30 seconds.

Serve topped with hot sauce.

Phone changes

2010-02-12T14:22:00.000-05:00

Ok. I've tried to make it work, but it's time to dump the iPhone. It's a pretty little toy, but way too expensive. I'm kicking myself for not doing this sooner, actually.

So, it's back to my parent's family plan for the next few years; probably until I'm done with school. They activated the new phone last night and are sending it to me.

Practically speaking, this means that starting Sunday I will be without a phone until the new one arrives. Hopefully I'll have the new one by Tuesday, but you never know. For anyone who actually calls me, shoot me an e-mail and I'll give you my new phone number.

It's like a birthday

2010-02-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

It's my 10,00th day on Earth!

Thank you, Wolfram Alpha :)

It's Official: I'm Pre-Physician Assistant Now

2010-02-03T09:08:00.000-05:00

It's almost laughable how many times I've flip-flopped on this issue: PA or MD? MD or PA? Let's throw high school science teacher in there, too, for drama. Well, I've officially changed my status to pre-PA with the postbac premed office and have basically been handed off to the general career services office. That's fine with me.

In the end it came down to whether I'm willing to sacrifice the next 8 years of my life to school/training. The answer is no. I've already been in school for too long and I'm ready to get working. So, I'm looking forward to being able to start my life up again. I'm looking forward to two more years of intense school and then on-the-job training. I'm looking forward to the flexibility of being able to switch specialties without the equivalent of a residency.

Now it's completely up to me to make sure I take all the right classes and get the right clinical experience.

In that vein, I have:

1 semester Intro Biology (w/lab)
2 semester General Chemistry (w/lab)
1 semester Organic Chemistry
1 semester Intro Psychology
1 semester Abnormal Psychology
2 semesters Calculus
1 semester Statistics
2 semesters Physics (w/lab)
50+ hours non-clinical volunteer work
50+ hours clinical health care experience work
300+ hours non-clinical health care experience

I still need:
1 semester Microbiology (w/Lab)
1 semester Intro Biology
1 semester Upper Level Bio (unless I can make Micro count...)
1 semester Biochemistry
150 hours clinical health care experience
Take the damn GRE

I may just skip the Biochem and Upper Level Bio since not all schools need it. Stay tuned for updates!

Emergency Room Novice

2010-02-02T10:57:00.000-05:00

Last week I started volunteering in the Emergency Department at a local hospital. The staff is very friendly and the volunteers are liked and given actual work to do. We make beds, feed patients, run prescriptions to the pharmacy and any other things the nursing staff needs us to attend to.

In contrast to my other hospital volunteer experiences, there have always been several volunteers working at time here and the regular staff don't hesitate to give us work. I feel much more useful here than I have in other hospitals.

I'll be spending my Monday and Saturday afternoons working there for a total of 8 hours/ week. The 150 hour commitment should be satisfied by the end of June, but if it continues to be so good, I'll try to stay until I start PA school.

Happy Holidays to All

2009-12-24T00:12:00.000-05:00

Finals are over and I laid in bed until 2:30 this afternoon doing nothing but surf the internet.

Now I'm baking cookies.

:)

Things to do instead of studying

2009-12-15T14:49:00.000-05:00

Like blogging, for instance.

Or working. Or perhaps facebook stalking acquaintances from high school.

I've recently rediscovered the art of not studying. It's lovely, really. And it's the only thing that got my lab report writing under way last Friday. I spent all day in bed alternating between studying and, um, not studying. I played Bejeweled. I surfed the internet. I took a NAP!

And I finished analyzing data and writing the introduction and abstracts for my last lab report. Awesome.

I'm finally beginning to understand how writing and "studying" (ie cramming information into my little head) are very different beasts. The studying I can force to a certain extent, and I can absorb the information when I'm too stressed out for my own good. Writing, on the other hand, requires that I'm a little more relaxed- a little more flexible, otherwise I'm apt to freak out and not get anything done at all.

Sophomore year of college, for example. Enabling essay writing was the most stressful paper-writing experience of my life to date. This was the experience that pulled the trigger and gave me my first migraine headache. The only way I was able to get through it was hours and hours of Tetris Attack. For the some reason, the eye-hand coordination intensive puzzle was able to keep my over-analyical (worry wort) side busy long enough to let me write a couple paragraphs.

Funny.

Survival

2009-12-13T14:38:00.004-05:00

Funny how all I had to do was think about the semester for all posts to cease. Fall semester is now drawing to a close, I'm getting my ass kicked repeatedly by biology laboratory, cooking has been relegated to items involving only microwaving or boiling (i.e. frozen leftovers, hot dogs, ramen and oatmeal), and laundry remains undone after a month.

Perhaps it's time to writing again.

Getting my cooking fix

2009-08-20T10:40:00.004-04:00

It's been too hot to really use the stove and oven for a few weeks now and I've been going through cooking withdrawal - subsisting mainly on cold sandwiches, salads, quickly fried grilled cheese and eggs over easy.

This week I decided to try out the slow-cooker to see what kind of thermal damage it did to an already sweltering kitchen. Turns out, not too much. I think I have a way to get my cooking fix for the next couple weeks. I'll have to be careful not to let the crockpot lead me to harder-core cooking, though. I went a bit too far with the heat last night when I had the oven at 450 degrees for 40 minutes, but I'm pleased to announced that the results were worth it.

It started on Monday with chickpeas. I'm way too cheap to buy the canned kind, so opted for the $0.99/lb dried kind. I took a 1/2 lb and soaked them for a good 24 hours, and on Tuesday I put them in the slow-cooker with a sprinkling of turmeric (to get a nice yellow color) on low for 4 hours. They were starting to lose their jackets at this point, so 3 hours might do better in the future. These led me to the salad I posted earlier in the week.

Then came the problem of what to do with the crap-ton of chickpeas I still had leftover.

Problem solved by one of my new roommates, whose mom has a fabulous recipe for roasted chickpea snacks. I modified her recipe by using non-canned chickpeas and adding garlic.

*****

Paprika Roasted Chickpeas

1/2 lb dried chickpeas, soaked and simmered (see above), or 2 15oz cans, drained and dried
about 3T Olive Oil
Coarse salt
Garlic powder
Paprika

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place the chickpeas in a single layer on a rimmed cookie sheet (aka jelly roll pan). Coat with olive oil and roast for 35-40min, tossing occasionally, until golden brown and crispy.

Remove from oven and sprinkle with coarse salt, garlic powder and paprika. Roast 2-3 more minutes. Cool completed on a paper-towel lined plate. Store in an air-tight container.

Beating the heat

2009-08-19T15:59:00.007-04:00

That's right. The 90 degree New York summer has finally forced me out of my apartment and into the air-conditioned hipster-magnet cafe around the corner.

It's a cute place with the requisite unmatched furniture, espresso coffee drinks and organic juice. The bathroom is a little over the top. Thankfully, it's priced comparable to Starbucks instead of other independent cafes in more gentrified neighborhoods. It seems to be attracting non-hipster community members as well, which makes me happy.

Before I was driven out of my apartment by the heat, I managed to dismantle my broken futon bed (leaving the cushion and platform), unpack all my books (now in stacks on the floor since I still don't have sufficient shelf space) and put all my laundry away. I'm certainly not done, but it's a big improvement from a broken bed and boxes stacked haphazardly in the middle of the room. As for decorating, it's going to be a challenge due to one bright yellow wall and emerald green carpet. I think I'm up to the challenge. Suggestions will be appreciated.

Salad Success

2009-08-18T16:23:00.003-04:00

Somehow, food always manages to make me feel better. Unpacking has made for a bittersweet kind of day. I made it a point to open *ALL* of my boxes (even those with prickly memories inside) to decide what's going to be stored and what gets to stay out in my (sort of) new room. For the most part it was an uneventful carby sort of day, but after my books came out into the light, I decided to celebrate with some leafy greens.

Mediterranean Salad

Spring Mix Salad Greens
Chickpeas
Canned Albacore white tuna
Crumbled feta cheese
Canned diced tomatoes
Lemon juice
Olive oil
Salt and pepper

Layer chickpeas, tomatoes, tuna and cheese over green. Drizzle lemon juice and olive oil. Salt and pepper to taste.

Last day in Cubicleland

2009-07-31T11:37:00.003-04:00

And I'm sad. And happy.

Sad to leave my cozy little cubicle and the folks I've enjoyed spending my workdays with for a good six month.

Happy to have a little more time to study and not stare at a spreadsheet for the majority of my day.

Ah, mixed feelings.

2009-07-29T11:03:00.006-04:00

That comic really sums up the feelings of almost everyone I know. To see the original, visit xkcd.

I like this

2009-07-28T14:48:00.001-04:00

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

Happy Friday!

2009-07-24T16:57:00.003-04:00

Fantastic news all around!

Took make-up exams! Yes, the nightmare came true for me on Tuesday when I realized that I had mixed up the date for my physics exam - I thought it was on Wednesday, when it had been on Monday night. In the end, all was well and I took the make-up exams for both physics and psych yesterday.

Phew! Time for weekend.

Mmmm... weekend

2009-07-20T12:08:00.006-04:00

Homework and baseball took up the bulk of my weekend--which was not a bad pairing, as it turns out--with a couple culinary adventures along the way. Funny how the food is the thing that really stands out in my memory.

Friday: Joe's Shanghai Restaurant in Chinatown with my cousin, his girl and another friend. My first exposure to this restaurant was thanks to another cousin of mine (yes, lots of cousins around here)when she was in town last March. I like this place because it's good for bringing folks from out of town. It's perfectly Chinatown-tacky, with neon lights, peach wall paper and the requisite aquarium, the food is better than average and the bill usually ends up $12-$15 per person. Last Friday we started with two orders of the famous soup dumplings, which was so much food that I hardly touched the rest of my carbolicious meal.

There was a minor mid-afternoon scuffle with TDH over his attendance at this event, but we got over it fairly quickly. I wandered back to his place after dinner with a full doggie bag, and settled down to do physics homework for the evening while he watched baseball and teased me for being a nerd.

Saturday: Breakfast of PB toast and leftover Shanghai noodles. Dinner at Black Iris (a Middle Eastern restaurant in Fort Greene) with TDH and his mom. We picked up a microbrewed six pack at a bodega (Bear Republic Racer 5, I think) and sat down to embarass TDH with feminist, post-feminist and religious rants. This was, in fact, my second trip to Black Iris and my second time ordering the falafel sandwhich, which remains uber-tasty and in the same price range as its cart vendor cousins. Also my second time consuming yummy dolmas--the best I've had really. TDH then took his mom to the Paul McCartney concert at Citi Field, while I went back home to work.

Electricity and magnetism again consumed my time in between and after my gastronomical outings. I'm getting very tired of physics. Quite ready to be done with it. Just about ready to be done with school, when I'm honest with myself. However, I've made a promise to myself to finish this silly little certificate program and have something to show for these three labor-intensive years whether I pursue medicine or not.

Sunday: A crazy cooking morning. Biscuits and fried eggs for breakfast. Preparations for rice, Dominican red beans and chicken for lunch at the Old Timer's Day at Yankee Stadium. TDH and I refuse to buy anything inside the stadium ($5 for a hot dog? Really? I get a pack of 8 all beef Kosher franks for $4...), so bringing lunch and visiting the dollar store beforehand was a necessity.

The beans simmered in my slow-cooker all night with onion, garlic and a bay leaf. I forgot the hot peppers until TDH reminded me in the morning, so they weren't as spicy as I usually like, but they came out creamy and flavorful anyway. We baked the chicken (standard salt, pepper, garlic and paprika seasoning), threw it on top of the beans and rice and went.

We finished making lunch and were out the door at 10:30a for the 11:45a festivities in the Bronx.

Next weekend's adventure: Tamales. Or at least red-chile sauce.

Stochasticity

2009-07-17T14:28:00.002-04:00

Delicious randomness makes my day.

1) Brooklyn Parrots. Because we all know Brooklyn is actually located on the banks of the Amazon river.

2) Quote of the month: "Grandmas are made of chaos." - RadioLab episode "Stochasticity."

Familiar devil

2009-07-16T13:21:00.004-04:00

Yay! I'll be working for a small private ear, nose and throat practice on the Upper West Side starting in September. It's part time and (hopefully) I'll supplement it with substitute teaching and tutoring.

This position officially ends July 31st (which means my last paycheck is August 6th - yess!), and I go in to train for my new position on August 4th. There will only be a few days of training, but I have to wait to start until the person currently in the position heads off to medical school.

I'm feeling very sad and a little scared about leaving this position, not that I have a choice in the matter. Sure, the 9-5 thing kinda sucks, fielding customer service calls sucks and staring at a spreadsheet sucks, but this job was really a god-send for me back in January. After being unemployed for two months, it was good just to have some structure, not to mention the paycheck. It had been two months of reflection and cleaning and reorganizing and I was ready to move on. Having a job that I didn't care about for a couple months sound like just the thing I needed. It was the light at the end of the tunnel-- I could finally see the top of the gigantic pit of suck that I fell into last year (or, leaped into really).

So, this job ending is a little like the end of a big messy chapter of my life. One part of me is jumping for joy to be out. Another is suspiciously looking around because it seems impossible that it could come to and end. And even with both of those, there's a part that wants to hold on to it, just because it's familiar.

The devil I know, you know.

Looking to the future is always a little scary, no matter how bad the past has been and no matter how good the future might look. In this past year I started out about a low as I could have gotten, and have progressed to as good as I've been in years. Having a little bit of stability allowed me jump back into school, move without too much hardship, even enjoy myself a little. Will the trend continue? Will I be able to sustain my situation through this coming school year?

Despite the questions and doubts, being here and doing this is the best thing right now. I'm finishing up the postbac program whether I go to medical school or not (that's another post entirely). I'm living in Brooklyn, far far away from school because the separation helps keep me sane and I like the neighborhood so much better. I'm going to work in both education and healthcare to help me make a decision.

Things will work out, I swear.

Oh, beans and rice

2009-07-15T13:43:00.001-04:00

Will I still love you so much in three months?

Good morning world

2009-07-11T09:16:00.006-04:00

Today, I woke up to the smell of black-eyed peas simmering in my slow cooker. I finally used the bones leftover from making BBQ pulled pork back in June. When I got home from the library last night, I just threw the bones in with a bag of dried black eyed peas, some chopped up onion and garlic and water. Set it on high overnight and now have a pot of beans ready for the eating. This plus some rice and chicken now turns into a bunch of home-made frozen lunches for the future. Yessssssss.

Liking to cook has certainly made this past year easier. Easier on my wallet and easier on my soul. Science classes and cubicleland can really take a toll on me. The focus is on data and shoving facts into my head without much room for creativity. Cooking helps to easy that. I have to eat, so there's no guilt for spending time preparing food and I have to use my head to make something yummy out of whatever's in my cupboards.

It helps that TDH likes to cook, too. Many a date has consisted of a trip to the grocery store, an evening in the kitchen and a movie or going out for a couple drinks. He's actually the better cook and I'm often his sous chef/dishwasher, but I'm ok with that. In fact, this give him some majors points with me. He'll even pick out a complementary beer to go with dinner.

The best part is that it's something where we can both show each other some tricks: buy meat with the bone still in (it's cheaper and you can use the bone to make stock later), make a lot of whatever it is you're making and freeze the leftovers as individual lunches, learn to love eggs (mmmm... huevos rancheros), I don't really need pre-shredded cheese, popcorn popped on the stove with olive oil is delicious, baking/ roasting leaves time to study before dinner.

Mmmm.... now I'm thinking about dinner. Maybe something that will let me make biscuits....

For the love of-

2009-07-10T11:15:00.002-04:00

How did work go from soul-crushingly busy to soul-crushingly slow in about 2 days?

It makes me wonder exactly how long this position is going to last. I've been temping here for about 5 1/2 months now. They said that they are keeping us for another 1-3 weeks, that is, until June 17 or the end of the month. Considering that we just got training for a new project yesterday, I'm thinking end of the month is more likely.

Despite my love of my weekly paycheck, I find myself looking forward to a little unemployment. I've once again reached the level of busy where having time to get groceries or do laundry feels like a luxury. My plan is to give myself a vacation week after I'm done here. I'll reregister with my temp agencies that week, but won't make a big fuss out of finding something right then. Instead, I will take the time to study for my summer finals, run and finally unpack.

I had an interview with a small doctor's office on the Upper West Side, and it seems like I have a shot there. It's part time, starts in September and would allow for a lot of flexibility. It also pays enough to allow me to pay my bills, if not eat. The eating part wouldn't be too hard to supplement.

Also, I've been thinking about what I want to do with this blog other than spill my guts to an internet audience of friends, family and absolute strangers. It seems like it might be a good way to share my experiences (successes and failures) in living on next to nothing in the city. TDH and I (Oh, yes. We're definitely still together. Perhaps more on that later...) are both experts on living frugally but comfortably--it involves a lot of cooking (which we both love to do), free events, ebay (last minute $15 baseball tickets anyone?) and open bars. These skills are especially going to come in handy when I'm once again unemployed.

But I regress...

2009-07-06T21:55:00.010-04:00

And now for a little college livejournal-inspired post.

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size... is shrinking a little, thank God.
2. I've come to realize that my job(s)... will only last another 2-4 weeks.
3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving... I forget to wear my seatbelt.
4. I've come to realize that I need... time to recharge.
5. I've come to realize that I have lost... a lot of the body insecurities that plagued me for most of my life.
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when... I can't eat breakfast.
7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...I have a tendency to pass out before midnight.
8. I've come to realize that money... is easier to hold on to that i previously thought.
9. I've come to realize that certain people... will always annoy the crap out of me, but still be decent people.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always... get cranky when it's past my bedtime.
11. I've come to realize that my sibling... is more mature than I am.
12. I've come to realize that my mom... means well.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone... keeps me wandering down streets where I'm less likely to get mugged.
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning... I should have have washed my hair when I took a shower.
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep... it was way too hot in my room.
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking... about how I should be working instead of filling this out.
17. I've come to realize that my dad... is a good guy.
18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook... I can get sucked in for hours and hours.
19. I've come to realize that today...is the day to get things done.
20. I've come to realize that tonight... I will skip class to do homework for that same class.
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...is interview day -- wish me luck!
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...work with people.
23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...not my sister, since I stole it from her.
24. I've come to realize that life...is about quality not quantity.
25. I've come to realize that this weekend...will be studying weekend.
26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset is...baroque. Specifically, the Pergolesi Stabat Mater.
27. I've come to realize that my friends...are always strong personalities, full of eccentricity.
28. I've come to realize that this year...had a near infinite rate of change.
29. I've come to realize that my ex... lives in a different world than I.
30. I've come to realize maybe I should... learn to chill the crap out.
31. I've come to realize I love... to sing.
32. I've come to realize that I don't understand... physics. or philosophy. and that's OK.
33. I've come to realize my past... was just as full of ups and downs as my future will be.
34. I've come to realize that parties... are best with the right mix of folks I know and folks I don't know.
35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified... of choosing the wrong path.
36. I've come to realize that my life... is coming along.

Cold, Cold Go Away

2009-04-13T12:24:00.007-04:00

Exercise has never been my strong suit. I was the kid who always finished last when we ran The Mile for our annual fitness assessment. One year--10th grade, I believe--I even puked afterwards. I was always last picked for kickball--even when playing with my similarly geeky friends, my sister and I came as a "unit" when picking teams since we weren't all that valuable on our own.

Nevertheless, I'd like to go jogging after work today. It's been over a week since I went. Between the return of cold weather and my busy schedule, it's been a challenge to really get into this. I enjoy it, though, now that I've convinced myseld that I don't inherently suck at it. I'll never be the fastest, but I can keep myself going and feel good afterwards.

With or without the running, I've finally lost all the weight I put on in college and the first couple of years afterwards. Dresses that fit me when I was a high school senior are now fitting a little loose around the middle. I'm actually getting to the point where my clothes look a bit big and sloppy on me.

I'm not entirely sure how this happened. I lost about 5-10 lbs when I first moved out here. Now I've lost another 10-15 in the past six monts. I haven't been dieting and I've only just started exercising on purpose. My best guess is that running up flights of stairs to transfer subway lines and adding a 6-7 block walk to work to my morning routine has made a significant improvement to my cardiovascular health. My stress levels are generally down as well, meaning I haven't been binge eating like before. I eat a lot more like I did when I lived with my parents- I eat simple meals at home, rather than eating out (because, really, who has the money for that?)

It's all about the lifestyle change, is what I'm trying to say I suppose. I'd like to keep up this non-dieting and add more exercise. More jogging/running. Maybe some weight training. Maybe get back into belly dancing (that costs money, though).

I hope I'll be able to sustain this when classes begin in the summer. Who knows? Maybe it'll be easier since I'll have access to the university gym.

Overheard in Cubicleland

2009-04-08T15:27:00.002-04:00

"You know I'm stressed when I can't spell my last name."

Truth Be Told

2009-04-07T20:35:00.005-04:00

I'm in a really good place right now. I'm supporting myself in a big city in a tough economy, figuring out a career path. I live in a lovely little apartment with great roommates in a neighborhood that I love. I have a open and honest relationship with a fabulous, supportive guy who understands where I am and helps me get where I need to be. I'm making new friends through school and work. I'm taking care of my body. I'm bringing music back into my life.

Despite everything that's happened, or perhaps because of it, I'm learning how to take my life into my own hands and make things good.

For example: I can eat grilled cheese for dinner whenever I want.

Things are definitely turning out for the best.

Integration

2009-04-05T20:02:00.005-04:00

Well, I was a good girl this weekend and took care of a couple unpleasant tasks - laundry and unpacking that last suitcase of stuff from the ex's.

The laundry was easy. The only challenge is finding a place for all my clothes. I've been putting off buying a chest of drawers for months, so I just have two big plastic storage tubs that I've been toting with me since my freshman year of college. They work fairly well, despite lacking style.

As for the suitcase of stuff... it was mostly papers and mail. Two treasures were my yoga mat and digital camera. I'd been excited to have my fold-up storage bins, but they were so coated in cat hair that I had to dump them. Just opening the suitcase sent me into a sneezing fit. I really don't know how I lived with cats for 2 1/2 years with these nasty allergies. I dealt with the suitcase on Saturday and I'm still sneezing now, on Sunday, at 8pm despite the Benadryl, then the Sudafed, then the Claritin.

The good news is that I have a few more more physical pieces of old life integrated into my new one. On top of the suitcase contents, I have a chair at my desk now and almost half of my book out on a shelf. The room is unbelievably more comfortable when my books are on a shelf. I have all my clothing and those odds and ends that you don't really think about until they get lost: a necklace received for Christmas in 8th grade or a teacup I snagged from my great-grandma's collection.

I'm not sure what to do with all of the things that my ex or his family gave me. What do I do with the diamond earrings he bought me one Christmas? Or the mahogany jewelry box that his father made for me, or the bag his mom sewed for me? I still like and enjoy these items, but I'm not sure how much it's OK to have the reminders there. I'm not sure what effect they're having on me, but I know I think about that old life every time I fetch a necklace for work, or want to make a pot of tea. It's a little different with the bag, but I sometimes feel guilty for wearing it when I go up to campus - I'm afraid I'll run into him and he'll see me with it. I don't know what he'd think of it. I probably shouldn't even care, but I do for some reason.

I haven't even opened the box with the wedding album and other nuptial memorabilia in it. I just don't know what to do with that. It's been sitting up in my storage closet since he foisted it on me back in October. I've contemplated burning it or some other kind of vandalism, but all I've managed is putting it on a shelf.

Which is a kind of victory in itself, I suppose. I haven't been pouring over it and crying or anything like that, although I was tempted last December. Most of the time I don't even remember it's there. Just once in a while it gets to me. I'm tempted to look and I wonder if I should simply be rid of it.

Thoughts like these always come up when I've spent a day trying to make my space more livable. I have all this stuff, and most of it came from when I was with my ex. I can't help but think about my old life. I just need to figure out if the reminders do more harm than good. And if they're harmful, how to avoid them - get rid of the stuff? or teach myself to ignore it? and how the hell do I go about doing that??

Quarter Life Crises

2009-04-03T14:39:00.001-04:00

I'm a little past "quarter-life" by most accounts; we don't see too many folks living to 104 years. Maybe I'm at "third-life" at this point? Hm. That sounds a little too much like a weird "born again" derivative. Nevertheless, the best description of the past few years is a "quarter life crisis."

I'm still chugging away at this premed thing. Or, more accurately, I'm about to start chugging again after a semester off of school. Whatever happens, I'm finishing this program.

The questions are: How do I support myself while I finish? How long do I take to finish? and What do I do afterwards?

The answers to the first and second questions are intertwined. I'm keeping this temp position until A) I get a full time job or B) the assignment ends. Should option A occur, I'll take two more years to finish. Should option B occur, I'll keep applying to full and part time positions and take what's offered. If I get a full time position, two more years. If I get a part time position, one more year and I'll probably go on food stamps. Then there's the possibility I can only find temporary work for the next year. *sigh* I refuse to take out more student loans for this, though.

As for afterwards...

This medicine thing is big committment. I think I'm getting some cold feet. After the prereq are done, it's 4 years of medical school, 3-6 years of internship/residency. I'll be 32 when I finish medical school, 35-38 when I finally get my own patients. Is it going to be worth all those years of work? And the money??? I already have student loan debt in the amount of a very small mortgage. After med school it'll be the amount of a moderately sized suburban home.

I want a career where I can work directly with ppl and use lots of my brain, too. Is medicine the only direction I can go?

In other news, I really really really love cobb salads.

Snow

2009-03-20T10:06:00.005-04:00

Snow, snow, snow! I'm actually kinda happy it's snowing. It at least makes the otherwise cold and dreary day a little pretty.

I bought a guitar last weekend. It's a pretty little Suzuki starter guitar, which I hope will last me a bit. Unfortunately, I seem to be running into some trouble tuning it by ear. I didn't think my ear was *that* out of practice, but when I try to tune the D string from the A string, it's way way sharp. This doesn't happen with any of the other strings (I tune the remain strings from the A string and all it good between them... cacophony ensues, however, when I try to play them with the E or D strings.) No clue why this would be the case.

Lemonade

2009-03-01T19:47:00.002-05:00

No boots. Bought scandalously short dress instead.

Friday I'm in Love. Or Something.

2009-02-27T21:37:00.005-05:00

Saturday: Incredulity

First Saturday night my roommate and I are both home without boys in months. Girlish bonding activity? Wine, pasta and okcupid.com profiles while pretending not to look at pictures of TDH. Call parents.

Sunday: Loneliness

And shopping. A new pair of black pants for work. Another pair of sexy black boots cry out to me from the clearance rack. Sadly, it was not meant to be. Finally bake the cranberry-almond biscotti I had intended to make for TDH for Valentine's Day. Call best friend in Cali to hash out details of break up *and* divorce.

Burn the shit out of first batch of toasted almonds, but biscotti emerge unscathed.

Monday: Anxiety

Day spent on the verge of tears while clicking boxes on the client's new website. Library's closed. It's cold outside. Don't feel like eating. Realize how much I hate going back to my apartment by myself. Splitting headache. Head to bed at 9pm, but end up online instead of asleep. No laundry is done.

At least my boss likes the biscotti. Should have purchased the boots, though.

Tuesday: Depression

Couldn't sleep. Day spent on the verge of tears while clicking boxes on the clients new website. Turn down offer of Daily Show tickets on Wednesday in favor of going home to mope. Go to doctor for ppd, pelvic exam and blood drawing. Almost pass out at desk - again. Devour monstrous piece of pizza. Call parents. Go home to cry more.

Would boots have prevented this?

Wednesday: Generalized Self-loathing

Comfort food fails. Two beers with dinner. Pretend not to look at pictures of TDH while roommate and ex-roommate discuss life, love and universe. Alone again and sobbing. Send self-deprecating IMs to TDH. He calls. Can't bring myself to pick up. Repeat. I call back. He talks while I sob some more until 11:30ish. Fall asleep cradling phone.

Definitely should have purchased boots.

Thursday: Negotiation

Wake up at 3:45a crying. No more sleep. Empty half of my bed acts as magnet for rest of my room; acquiring clean and dirty clothing, pays stubs, junk mail and prescription pamphlets. Remember NPR at work; fewer tears when I can't hear myself think.

Ppd negative. Start budgeting for boots.

Therapy session. An hour standing in front of pizza place on the phone with TDH - good conversation. Party at Jewish Co-op. Canonical Bar - girl talk, Brooklyn Lager and tequila. Nap on train. Home. Sleep at last.

Friday: Homefries

and scrambled eggs for dinner to mask the anxiety which always accompanies coming back to my apartment with nothing to do. Anxiety has nothing to do with TDH - same feeling as I had at my casita in Santa Fe. A relief of sorts. Answer questions on okcupid.com. Deflect creepy guy. Call parents.

Blog. Will look for boots on Sunday.

All this time

2009-02-22T11:16:00.000-05:00

I have way too much time on my hands these days. The only demands on my schedule are working my lovely 9-5:30 in midtown, and my weekly tutoring gig. What am I going to do with myself?

When I'm pressed for time, I dream of all the things that I'd love to be doing: writing, singing, playing an instrument, exercising, painting my toenails, cooking, learning organic chemistry, learning to sew, learning to knit and crochet, starting a blog.

Well, crappers. I'd been out of school for nearly three months now - why haven't I been doing these things?

In one of our many discussions about what went wrong, my soon to be ex-husband, Mr. Intellectual, astutely noted: "Somewhere in all this mess we lost our wills."

I think he was right: we lost our wills somewhere between our responsibilities in school and work and in worrying too much about the other person and not enough about ourselves. He stopped playing guitar and recording. I stopped singing and writing. We both stopped watching our wallets and our waistlines- with disasterous outcomes. We both became resentful towards the other person, but couldn't really bring ourselves to address these feelings or clean the cat litter.

So, now, how do I regain such a thing as a will? It was easy to ignore the question when I was working myself to the bone with school and job and job hunting and boyfriend for the past six months. Now, I'm pared down to just job, which leaves hours and hours empty. No one to cook for or care for, no classes, no. Just me and more free time than I've had since the last time I went home for summer vacation back in 2003 - between my sophomore and junior years of college. Before I met the Intellectual Ex-Husband even.

Geez. That sounds like the making of a few awful months.

But, here goes.

Introductions, take II

2009-02-22T09:06:00.002-05:00

Alright, here I go again. After 2 1/2 months of avoiding the blog I created as an outlet for the pit of suck I fell into at the end of 2008, I find myself on vaguely more solid ground and itching to write. At least for today.

Since there's really no good way to provide background for this mess (do we really want to sit through a David Copperfield-esque description of my life to date?), I'm forced to just jump into the middle and hope it makes sense eventually.

Most pressing, I ended things between me and Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome yesterday. I'll spare you the gory details of the break up but it leaves me feeling roughly like I've been kicked in the chest. I nursed this bruise all last night with red wine and helping Roomie #1 set up an online dating profile (Incidentally, she and her bf broke it off last week as well. We are frighteningly in sync at the moment). Now, I keep thinking up lame excuses to talk or run into TDH - "oh, you left some beer in my fridge... do you want to come pick them up?", "um, can I have the last of my yogurt back?" Geez.

These musings are already taking a toll on me. On the one hand, yesterday was the most uncomfortably painfully long and drawn out Saturday in recent memory. On the other hand, it was calming and relaxing to spend a weekend evening at home (as long as I didn't think too hard about why I was at home). It helped clear my head a bit - maybe it was the pain, maybe it was the lack of distraction, maybe it was the camaraderie shared by two newly single girls. Whatever it was, it made me want to branch out from my usual at home activities - cleaning and chatting with old friends online or stalking them on facebook. Maybe write some stories and essays. Maybe pick up a guitar. Maybe start running, like I've been talking about doing for years.

One thing's for sure - I won't be dating anyone else for a while. Months, really. And hopefully, it will spur a little creativity.

Introductions

2008-12-11T10:47:00.002-05:00

Ah, yes. 20-something, ~~unemployed~~ underemployed, ~~withdrawn from school~~ almost done with grad school prereqs, separated and broke in New York City - 1,000 miles from home - in the middle of recession.

So, here I attempt to chronicle my attempts to make a little sense out of my life. Or, at least, try to pay my bills and maintain my delicate neuro-chemical balance.